C & K: Mortified Tuesday Column: woe is the ditzy girl who sat alone in the dark

I can't imagine (secret) blog-readers actually looking forward to me getting mortified on Tuesdays, but I received a lovely e-mail last night from pre-med cousin that said, "i gotta admit, your motified tues/mondays make me happy =). hahaha." I can't tell if the "hahaha" at the end was a good one or a spiteful one at my expense.

JK! Here's another boy-crazed one. It was either a day or two after graduation/grad nite...

June 15, 1997~

Life after grad is no diff. except that I miss people. I'm going away from SM w/ all these last minute infatuations and crushes. Above all, I LOVE ZK! I think my infatuation with JP was further encouraged by Cindy. And dinner w/ Mr. Hartman and his brother was fun. John was so cute cuz he's so childlike. It was interesting cuz he kept on insisting on knowing what Cindy and I were doing 4 summer. But my infatuation with ZK, Jr. graduated to a crush, I suppose. He was actually shy around me when I wanted to take a pix w/ him. He and MHS didn't even come to my grad. ZK is so cute. For a few min on our last day of school, I actually thought I had his attention. At grad nite, I hugged CL, twice. It bothers me how if I spend a time period only w/ him, I easily get infatuated w/ him. Becuz he is so cute to me. And he really makes me laugh. Him and JR were the only people I hugged twice that day. I gave CL good hugs. JR wanted to hug me. It was weird hugging JR. felt kinda good. I only slow danced to once song (w/ Johnny). The last song, I had such an incredible urge to pull CL along to dance w/ me. I didn't. I just sat in the dark. I didn't even dance w/ SN. I went w/ Joy to BR, again and talked to Melvin a few times that evening. I wonder if [XBF] will really come out to Rancho (or arrange for a ride) to pick me up. There was an odd moment between us at post-grad. I didn't get to let ZK know that I love him. Sniff, sniff. He ended his yrbk note for me w/ a "<3"> [heart]. How sweet. And JC: he really disappointed me. He should've been with us to graduate. So? Rama and David, too. JL & ML wrote the sweetest notes to me. I'll mis people like J & M for their humor, CL for the charm, Sophomre boys for personality... What'll people miss me for? Have I truly left my mark in people? This is only the beginning of the big life. Heehee: who will I love next?

You know I can't resist justifications, explanations, and self-commentaries:

• Yes, I had the hugest, dorkiest crush on ZK. No kidding it was an odd crush b/c ZK was like this goofy-looking sophomore tennis player.
• Re: CL ~ you have to understand something: CL coulda doubled for Brad Pitt. He seriously resembled that hot celebrity, but to a smaller degree (i.e., physique and fame).
• Re: Rama & David ~ rest in peace. Both of these young men passed away during our high school years. Both passed away under separate, equally tragic circumstances. (What's up with all my recent sentimental entries regarding death?)
• JC was a (spoiled-rotten) parachute kid who dropped out of HS for no good reason except that he hated being in school and knew he'd move back across seas to manage his Dad's business, so getting a HS diploma didn't matter. Why did I like him? B/c he was a "bad boy." HS girls like me were so ditzy.
• ZK signed my yearbook with a heart. And I was so excited over that. Hahahahahahaha! (I am a huge dork.)
• JR was a kid I knew since Junior High. He was the first person to ask me to a HS dance (but I wasn't allowed to go). By Junior year, rumors went around that he was gay but back then and in SM, being gay was definitely not accepted. I can't imagine how hard HS was for him. Just a few months ago, we got in touch (he first contacted my bro). I'm glad that he is doing well. :)
  
• Hey, it looks like I was beginning to mature for a brief millisecond with the rhetorical question about whether I've left my mark on others.
• "incredible urge"..."I didn't."..."I just sat in the dark." How melodramatic and pathetic. And mortifying. HS rules!

Dude, Dad just came around and saw my diary (good thing it's in small font and pattern-encrypted). He said, Wow! You still have your diary? Save all your diaries for me so I can have them and read them one day.

Can you imagine if he did???

Then he asked what I was doing with my diary. I simply said, "It's an internet project." (Sometimes having limited Taiwanese is advantageous.) He said, Oh, do you have a blog? (He even said "blog" in English. Crazy!) Um, m-hm. He said, That's great! One day your kids can read about your life, too!

Dad has always liked how I've kept journals ever since I was a little kid. Keeping a journal was really Ama's idea. She used to make us sit down and write about our days (and do an hour's worth of long multiplication and division). Those entries were really lame, too; "I woke up. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. We went to school. I stood up and did the flag salute..." You get the idea.

Oh man, if my kids are going to read my blog one day, maybe I should retire as a Mortified Columnist already...