6) What are one or two things you learned about yourself?

I (re)learned -- and finally accepted -- that I seriously need to trust my clinical instincts. It's hard to do that as a student clinician under the supervision of someone with decades of experience on me. An experienced, intelligent person can easily persuade me to change my goals/objectives and dissuade me from pursuing what I originally intended to target, but I know, too, that sooner than later (like before March...or even January), I need to really trust my clinical judgment.

Although today was not as bad as a week ago, I came home and cried for a while. "Sometimes people cry. It's okay to cry. " Heck, I think I should "finish" my faux social story (a tribute to tonight's class that ended at 9 P.M. on the dot)~

Why I Cry

Many people cry for different reasons. Some people cry out of joy. Some people cry when they are sad. Many people cry because they are moved. Some people cry just to cry. That is okay. When people cry, it is usually cathartic. Sometimes I cry when I see a sappy commercial. I usually cry when I read or hear sad news. Once in a while, I cry for a while because in the end, I feel so much better. Crying helps me release pent up emotions so I can regain composure and confidence and move on. It is okay to cry sometimes.

It really is okay. I know this sounds crazy, but it really is like a routine I go through every once in a while. It makes me think of "Collateral"~

MAX: You like what you do?
ANNIE: Yeah.
MAX: But not right now...?
ANNIE: No, I do...like I can't wait. ...I love standing up in that courtroom. At the same time...I always get this clenched-up thing the night before the first day...
MAX: Clenched-up how...?
ANNIE: I think I'm gonna lose. I think I suck. I think my case sucks. I haven't prepared enough. My exhibits aren't in order. People are gonna figure out that I don't know what I'm doin'. And I've had this charade going for years…
Then I cry... I don't throw-up. A lot of people throw-up. I have a strong stomach.
Then I get it together. And rewrite my opening statement. Work the exhibits. For the rest of the night. That's my routine. In the morning, it starts. I'm fine.

A little background on me ~ I don't consider myself one to cry a lot, but when I do, I think about a lot of things -- things that don't even have to do with the original reason why I started crying. It's cathartic for me because I think about the good things in my life. I think about God, perhaps because it's when I'm really in touch with my emotions. I think about my loved ones; how much I love them and how much they love me. Maybe these are the reasons why I enjoy crying.

Tonight, a lot of my tears were out of sheer frustration. One reason was that I couldn't remember why I didn't target a particular area with the Riddler. (Un)fortunately, everyone else remembered. Two of my classmates and BF remembered, but I didn't until they reminded me that it wasn't me that decided against it. Two weeks ago, I re-did my T.A. and confidently approached 2T with my new goal, but she shot it down in two seconds; she said, "You are not an English teacher." True that, but at what point do you call it a disorder of morphology or morphosyntax?

The best thing that BF said to me is, "Just remember and be proud of yourself for seeing this (and being 'right') 3 weeks ago, even though she didn't see it until now (even though you had brought it up to her 3 weeks ago)."

Today, I also cried thinking about my wonderful kiddos. I met with M's Mom for 20 minutes. Wonderful NB translated for me, and I really appreciated it b/c it is so important to me to meet with parents and understand their concerns. After all, these are their kids. I felt sad realizing -- again -- how helpless parents can be vs. P. Ed. b/c they do not speak English (nor know the rules of the game). Although that is M's case, I am happy that her parents are very aware of her needs and are ready to go into the mtg on Monday locked and loaded (although they need the ammo). I felt honored that Mom asked me to make an informal list of recommendations for her to bring on Monday (a.k.a. "the ammo"). Coincidentally, all the behaviors I observed are exactly what Mom and Dad also observe in her other language. Seriously. It wasn't power of suggestion b/c Mom actually said it first and I'd confirm the translation. I wanted to cry when Mom looked me dead in the eye and said "Gracias." Thank you for helping my daughter. She said it twice. What I love best about speaking to the parents is sincerely commending them for being wonderful parents who are proactive with their child. It breaks my heart when parents just don't seem to care about their children.

Subsequently, I wanted to cry when Miracle came in and handed me some Halloween candy. I don't think I ever gave up my candy as a 7 y/o. Then we had the following conversation:

"What's your costume?"
I almost LOL, but instead, I maturely said, "I am not wearing a costume today. If I were, what do you think I should be?"
"A ballerina."
"Why a ballerina?"
"Because you're skinny."
"Oh, um, thank you, but I don't think I should be a ballerina because I really don't know how to dance."
"Then you should be Tinkerbell."
"Tinkerbell? Why Tinkerbell?"
"Because you are beautiful."

That was so sweet, but what made me extremely happy was when she generalized in one instance that she could've easily reverted back to her typical language habits. I know it was just one opportunity, but I was still so proud of her!

I was also excited when Riddler's sister said, "I know I only see him once a week, but I noticed that he is talking a little differently now." Whether she was just saying that to throw me a bone, it sure worked. Unfortunately, he's been getting less and less motivated. He really doesn't like 2T's suggestion in helping him. I don't like making him do it, but I kind of have to. Finally, I had had enough and I looked him straight in the eye with my back to the camera, and I said in the softest voice, "Look, I know you don't like doing this and I don't like doing this either, but you know what? We both have to do this to help you." I don't know if I was imagining it but the moment I was real and straight up with him, he gave me 100% again. I really appreciated that.

I was just bumming that he was so turned off with 2T's tx suggestion that he didn't even want to talk to me any more nor share about the cards he brought. How discouraging is that. Is tx effective if it makes the kid not even want to talk any more??

I felt so bad that I gave him more than half my stash of good candy. He walked out literally cupping his two hands together so his candy wouldn't fall out. He also said, "You have to eat your popcorn soon." Before session, he gave me a bag of popcorn. "You have to eat it before it expires. On January 20." What random instructions.

I'm glad my kids bring me lots of smiles and laughs. :)

Happy Halloween!