Winter Quarter

I started school the day before yesterday, and I feel like I've been in school for at least 2 weeks already. The first day of school, I waited for the bus in downtown. Leave it to me to be standing at the frickin wrong "northeast corner of Olive St. and 5th St." So I taxied over to school.

As for yesterday, I stood at the right Northeast corner of Olive and 5th. The bus picked me up and we hopped on this super-secret carpool lane for busses. The funniest thing is that the driver suddenly pulled over on this carpool lane and said: Cal State LA stop. I was like, where the heck are we? Well, I got off any ways, after I stupidly asked the driver, "this is the stop for Cal State LA?" Since I couldn't cross the carpool lane, my only choice was to go up this staircase up to Heaven. It literally felt like never-ending. After I climbed 6 flights of stairs w/ my 16 pound backpack, I ended up at another bus stop -- the one that I thought I would get dropped off at, at the edge of campus. It took me another 15 minutes to get to class. I seriously think I trekked a mile. Well, just b/c I walk a mile in 15 minutes on the treadmill. =P

During my second class yesterday, I said right then and there that when I go to work tomorrow, I'm putting in my notice. The workload this quarter is INSANE.

The funny thing is that all my classmates were freaking out, and then wondering why I wasn't freaking out, considering they all don't work (32 hrs/wk). I think I've just been in this hyper-zen mode...not freaking out, but definitely beyond stressed and at such a high level of anxiety that I'm not really feeling anything. Or maybe I'm just in denial that the quarter's started. The thing is, I don't have time to freak out.

Anywho, today I got a good kick in the heinie, too. I went to see Dr. K about last quarter's finals and final assignments. He handed me my kick-@$$ final 10-page paper -- 59/60, baby! But then he totally harped on me and my buddy for doing poorly in his classes last quarter. For the record, I got an A in one of his classes and a B+ in his other. The B+, yeah, I'm not thrilled about at all, but seriously, it was a tough class. If only there were 25 hours in a day. If only I could function on 4 hours of sleep. If only tweaking wasn't illegal, and I could actually get some (and it wasn't addictive). If only I could get Red Bull and coffee IV'd into me while I sleep or study.

Anywho, so he was giving us a really hard time. But honestly? I didn't think his lecturing was a bad thing for me. It was kinda encouraging to me in a twisted way b/c he said that out of all of my colleagues, the profs considered us to be the top students...so what happened??? Why are we not impressing them? In fact, we did worse than the people they thought would do worse than us, supposedly. So I finally blurted out the secret that I've kept from him for a year -- I work. Dude, he gave me the dirtiest look, then drew a big breath of air, and then let me have it. You see, Dr. K's the biggest advocate of how we should NOT be working in grad school. And I'm a prime example why. I could be doing better than I did. At least him and I think.

As for my buddy, he knows her sis got diagnosed w/ MS so he associated her struggle with that. He chalked my struggling up to me working like a dog. I honestly am confident that I will do better since I'm quitting work. (I hope I'm not fewlin' myself.) Really, I'm putting in my notice tomorrow or at least discussing it w/ HR. As for her, the poor sweetheart broke to pieces the moment we walked out of Dr. K's office b/c she wondered whether it was really just her, and that she just can't cut it. I'm not great at being a cheerleader, but I did the best I could.

I didn't do very well b/c she pointed out that even though I've been working practically full-time, I still managed to do better than a lot of my classmates...and I helped her a lot. The thing is, she's a smart girl. I think that if anything, we're just burnt out. Add on the fact that her VERY young sis got diagnosed with MS halfway through the quarter, and Dr. K gets some B's on his record. So what! He's a monster with bad breath (and I hope he doesn't cyber-stalk me and find this post before I graduate). I can't imagine dealing w/ a family member being diagnosed with a progressive disease...especially a sibling.

I told her, y'know, we just gotta look at our studies w/ the same attitude as when we approach our therapy with our clients. If our clients aren't improving, then we have to re-examine our therapy techniques. Obviously, something has to change. Same w/ our studies. If we've been using the same studying techniques and we're not doing any better, then something's gotta change. I know she'll be okay. She's usually the one that keeps me grounded when she sees my eyes glazed over after a couple grenades have been thrown at us. Grenades or bombs - same smell.

For me, I just don't have enough time. It gets really tiring very quickly, waking up at 5:45 A.M. to get to work by 7:30, and then most nights I don't get home until after 8:30. And then I take a day to eat.

Well, I better go draft my letter of resignation. I'll be glad when I'm finally out of there b/c I truly am exhausted. The great thing is that BF is very supportive of me quitting. I'll definitely miss the perks and my homie TK, but it's just another chapter in my life that I'm ending, and another one that I'm beginning.