Quarter Ketchup

As of late, my posting and e-mailing habits have been pretty nonexistant. This past week, I finally realized/found something to contribute it to.

This quarter has been really challenging in a different way. BF says that for every passing quarter, I swear it is the hardest ever. At the beginning of this quarter, he snidely asked, "So, is this your hardest quarter ever?" I honestly said, No.

However, it has been one of my most emotionally challenging. With respect to classes, I am only taking ONE class. It has been so difficult for me, though. I've always whined that "hard science" and neuro are not my forte. They never have been, and I seriously doubt they ever will be. Add on top of that, the "real" content/objectives for this class, and I find myself in such a jam. Every other night, I worry about what my next quarter/externship will be like, based on how I'm handling this quarter's material. My biggest concern is my weakened ability to withstand any open body cavities. I can't stand the sight of surgeries (on TV)...Even if the shows don't show the procedure and leave it up to my imagination, I have to cover my eyes. I HATE the thought of being stabbed or "chopped up." Another big concern is my difficulty "thinking on the spot." It's like I have a slow uprise (characteristic of one with a processing disorder, I believe). Both factors are causing me great anxiety as I anticipate my externship in the hospital next quarter. I could very well be dealing with people who have medically-appropriate/necessary open cavities (I am trying my best to euphemize without giving away the actual procedure) and I will be depended on for very serious situations and decisions. Will I be ready in four more weeks? I'm skurred...

On the other hand, every weekday I come home burdened by the thoughts of "my" kiddos. I can't help it. BF's mom asked him last December why I chose this field. He responded, "She can't be a doctor b/c she can't stand the sight/though of open wounds and blood; she can't be a psychologist/counselor b/c she thinks waaaaaayyy too much." And here I am, thinking about my kids anyways. I get soOoOooOOo sad thinking about them and their situations, environments, and lifestyles. I understand that there are so many factors to attribute their being to. I mean, I've heard so many times this quarter, the preface, "In a perfect world, we/they would..." But the public schools are far from the perfect world. As cliche as it sounds, all I can do is do my best to help them communicate better.

I get so drained with my Thurs/Fri kiddos, though. Many times, my sessions are spent trying to keep the peace between the students and emphasizing that violence is not an effective means of communication. I am constantly amazed at these students' abilities (or lack thereof). I don't mean to put them down, but I can't help but compare them to my Mon/Tues kids who know so many more basic concepts and social rules, despite their lower functioning levels and age. I wonder, though, if it is because my Thurs/Fri kids receive such inconsistent services. Their poor attendance coupled with seeing 3 different clinicians who all have different styles, backgrounds, and experience doesn't equate to much progress, IMHO. I imagine that stability and consistency is key, especially for these kiddos who lack that outside of school/therapy. I worry about "my" kids and I think about them a lot. What good is worrying, though?

Sometimes, my worries are eased a teeny bit. On very rare occasions, I have the opportunity of spending time with a JH Thurs/Fri student one-on-one. During those rare opportunities, I see an incredibly different person -- a complete 180 from who I see in a group setting. It really leaves me stunned and speechless. Alone with me, they are defenseless and vulnerable. Sometimes, they tell me more than I should probably know, but I appreciate the trust they have in me. Most times, we converse; I treat them like a "normal" adult and ask them typical conversation starters (e.g., How are you, what did you do last weekend, what will you do this weekend, what did you have for lunch, etc.). For most, I am glad to see that they can be "normal" and hold a "normal" conversation, rather that spitting out strings of fiery words and (kicking someone underneath the table). It is at those moments that my hope for them and their future is renewed.

Still, every day/night, I think about them. I feel like I've become a lot more withdrawn and asocial because all I do is think about my kids and what I can do differently tomorrow. Hence, my lack of blogging and e-mailing.

I just hope that I am doing something good with them. Despite making me cry for them (unbeknownst to them), they sure make me laugh a whole lot. The other day, one girl, a 180 case, pulled a Jenga block that had the question, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" To my surprise, she said, "Finishing high school and finding a job or going to college." I was a little skeptical about whether she was just saying that to appease me, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. When her groupmate picked a block, he got a similar question, "What do you see yourself doing in the future?" Ever the typical male case I've been seeing, he unsurprisingly answered, "I don't know!" 180 girl whispered, "Say you're going to graduate from HS or something. That's the right answer! That's what she wants to hear!" LOL Well, at least they know what the "right" (albeit biased) answer is.

Lastly, everyday I ask myself, Do I want to work in the public schools? Can I?